Eat Your Problems: Food Therapy ? Bad Salad

If, god forbid, I don?t end up as an award-winning radio producer, obnoxiously successful singer, or Olympic epeeist for the GB women?s fencing team, I reckon I could make a decent go of being a food therapist ? people would come to me with their problems, and I?d tell them exactly what to eat to make them feel better. Worried about coming out to your parents? GARLIC MUSHROOMS ON TOAST. Stuck in a dead-end job that makes you want to kill yourself and everyone else? AVOCADO AND PRAWN COCKTAIL WITH GRATED HORSERADISH. Fundamentally nasty? THERE?S NO CURE FOR THAT.

So let?s give Food Therapy a go. Each week, I will offer food therapy for three life-problems. You can email your problems to contactbadsalad@gmail.com if you like, or you can just enjoy these gluttonous lessons on their own. (Incidentally,?I?ve moved out of Brighton now, so my breakfast posts will be a little less regular? but they?re STILL HAPPENING).

LET?S GET STARTED.

Problem #1: I am normally a robust and self-assured person who doesn?t care about how I look, but nonetheless I am having a day where I feel fat and bad about myself

Solution: Salad Nicoise!

image: simpledeliciousfood.com

Salad nicoise is good because it?s healthy but it has some decent flavours. Your classic salad nicoise consists of really fancy olives, tuna, chopped celery, boiled eggs, lettuce, red pepper, tomatoes and anchovies. If you don?t like anchovies then you deserve to feel bad about yourself. It?s oily but oil can be good for you, provided you don?t drink it by the pint ? also there?s vegetables in it and nothing fried, so it?s filling and delicious and you also get the vitamins you probably need. You can show off about eating a salad and being healthy whilst simultaneously going ?yum, I?m going to have boiled eggs and anchovies with everything from now on?.

Problem #2: Someone has picked a fight with you on the internet

Solution: An Armadillo Egg

image: sternosbbq.com

An armadillo egg is a whole jalapeno, wrapped up in bacon and sausage-meat and stuffed with cream cheese. It?s not for the faint of heart or the kind of person who sees getting the meat-sweats as anything other than a part-time job. I?ve had two in my lifetime and there?s nothing like it ? they do them at the BBQ Shack in Brighton and each bite sneers with creamy, spicy, meaty goodness. They?re filling, too, and you have to be a special kind of psychopath to eat one AND FINISH SOMEONE ELSE?S OFF. Which I did, once. And when some snotty little keyboard-warrior farts a piece of disapproving criticism into the Bad Salad inbox ? usually something along the lines of UM EXCUSE ME JEDWARD SUCK AND PRIVATE EDUCATION IS ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD THING ? I take solace in the fact that this chocolate starfish would almost certainly cry and throw up after an armadillo egg, whereas I would belch the alphabet and demand another one.

So someone?s taken a pop at you on the internet? Who gives a cheese-filled fuck. You?re eating an armadillo egg. Fuck ?em.

Problem #3: I had sex with someone and now I regret it cause they?re nuts

Solution: Pasta puttanesca

image: delish.com

Pasta puttanesca translates vaguely to ?tart?s pasta?. Or ?whore?s spaghetti?. Or ?slag?s penne?. Before we get stuck into the feminist discourse of pasta, let?s look at why it?s so good. It?s basically made up of all the things you bought when you moved into your own place because you were determined to get full use out of the kitchen. These jars then sat gloomily at the back of the cupboard for three or four years, like Wheezy the Penguin, begging to be played with. Capers, chillis, tinned anchovies, garlic, tinned tomatoes, olives? you name it, puttanesca has it. It?s spicy and salty and brings to mind words like ?rambunctious?. It?s big, bold, bright red pasta you can imagine a woman called Roxanne eating. And when someone who seemed delightful suddenly says ?you remind me of my mother? mid-coitus, you make your excuses, do the walk of shame homewards, reach into that dark cupboard and pull out those capers. Puttanesca is the best friend who will not judge you for your actions, but rather will pat you on the back and tell you to LEARN.

Re the feminist discourse of pasta ? that?s an article for a much more niche blog than this.

Source: http://badsalad.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/eat-your-problems-food-therapy/

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